The musings of our hero Johnny Clithero in approximately rhyming couplets or something.
Described as an “ordinary man for ordinary times” Johnny has decided to share his every day carryings on with the world at large. From the mundane, such as catching the bus to TK Max and his run ins with the police, to his interactions with star studded celebrities, super models and rich fuckers.
At this stage we should have warned you that there might be a bit of language flying about here an there and the odd phrase that one or two people may find offensive. We can assure you that this is all in context and in most part he’s only repeating what he heard. And there’s not much in this one anyway.
Also he’s not much on punctuation so has more or less dispensed with it but it should be easy enough to follow.
Anyway let’s get on with the first post in which he recounts a terrifying encounter with the Olympic Legacy in…
Thanks a Lot Nicola Adams
I got in from the pub the other night
I might have been a little late
I got quite a start when I switched on the light
It was my missus lying in wait.
I said what are you doing stood there love
You really made me jump
Why have you cut the strings on your oven gloves
And where did you get those pumps.
She said I’m sick of you always coming home pissed
And she took a quick step forward
She threw a left that luckily missed
And broke the corner cupboard.
I said I know I’m late but why the aggression
Don’t you want to hear my explanation
She just gave me a stare and answered the question
With a left right combination.
We got in a clinch she punched my back
I tried to cop a feel
She had this gum shield with a union jack
That she’d made from orange peel.
She said get your hands off my arse you snake
From now on you’re going to do as instructed
And when I say break you’d better break
Or you’ll get some points deducted.
She said I’ll knock thee to Ilkley moor baht bloody tat
As she launched another flurry
I thought hold on a bit why’s she talking like that
She was born and raised in Surrey
I tried to cover as best I could
But she jabbed her way through my guard
Then one in the ribs with a mighty thud
God that bugger was hard
You’ll cause an injury, at my age even death
I thought it best to warn her
As I sank to my knees and struggled for breath
She went and stood in the corner.
She said don’t say nothing you’ll only lie
You’ve always been bloody shifty
I watched her footwork through one good eye
It was really rather nifty.
I got one on the nose, one on the chin
Two heart stopping body shots
She said that’s for not taking out the bin
And for leaving a sink full of pots
A right cross, a jab then a couple of hooks
She was trying to stove my head in
And that’s for chatting up Karen Brooks
At our Samantha’s wedding.
Now the coup de grace a one two three
I did my best to swerve it
Now you probably feel a bit sorry for me
But in some ways I deserve it
I’m not so attentive at the best of times
I can be a selfish lazy bastard
And like she said at the start of this rhyme
I often come home plastered
I’m always dropping stuff about
Like dirty pants and socks
And late at night I can be found flat out
Watching Babestation on the box.
That she was angry came as no surprise
I knew she’d have the face on
But it’s the first time she’s walled up my eyes
And where did she get those moves from
We’ve had words in the past and it must be said
Even the occasional scuffle
And now she’s flouncing off to bed
Doing the Ali shuffle.
I opened the door and put the cat out
And grabbed a lungful of air
Then I knocked the top off a bottle of stout
And settled back in my chair
I grabbed the remote and pressed on the power
It was Gabby Logan she was looking quite handsome
I could hear my missus up in the shower
Singing the national anthem.
Olympic highlights on BBC one
They show them when the the day is over
Gabby gets some winners on
And invites them on to her sofa
There’s this lovely little black lass sat there on it
With a gold medal as big as her face
And when they showed the clips of how she won it
It all fell into place.
So Nicola you’re a great inspiration to women
And Nicci just flashes her smile
And I’m thinking why don’t they just stick to swimming
Or running half a mile
I think Nicola’s fantastic and I’d like to bet
That anybody would
But I can tell you first hand the example she’s set
Is not a force for good.
So as I dab my nose with TCP
I say to Lord Sebastion Coe
If this is your Olympic legacy
Then I don’t want to know.
So there we have it, the first offering from our not so new kid on the block.
Why did Johnny’s pal get 5 years just for trying to help to boost the economy?
What was that scoundrel Ricky Gervais up to in Pizza Hut?
What were the UK’s three richest men doing in the Hadron Collider?
And much much more!