Post No. 6 (In which Johnny becomes annoyed by show off celebs collecting for charity)


Hello everybody.

A big thanks to the people who have read, liked and followed my stuff so far. 

I noticed many years ago when Thatcher sold off all the council houses, that the first thing that the people who bought them did, was to re-paint the front door in some bright gloss as far away on the colour wheel as it was possible to get from the councils drab tones. Maybe a gold letter-box, an ornate door knocker and a trendy, indecipherable number. This was to show the outside world that they were no longer council house plebs but bona fide property owners on the up with aspirations, kudos and money. So fuck you.
In a similar vein when someone makes a load of cash these days, the first thing they do is install a shiny new fifty grand (minimum) set of ultra-brite white teeth. You see them nearly every day on such as Dragons Den, X-Factor, The Apprentice etc, clicking away like a coked-up crocodile while bullying the fuck out of some hapless wannabee.
Do they have to be so big? Do they have to be so white? Do they have to be so menacing?
Little Red Riding Hood wouldn’t have a prayer.

Anyway on with today’s topic… Charity
Or rich people  showing off by publicly giving ridiculous amounts on radio or television, dwarfing the efforts of those who have to actually do something to raise a bit of cash.
The adoration and veneration of the obscenely rich, mainly by each other, is quite prevalent these days and it seems to be gaining popularity in the world of the charity-a-thon. First you hear of terrible poverty and deprivation, in England of all places, and by the way didn’t Mr Gladstone put a stop to all that in the 1800s, then they play a record, then some chirpy fucker from the Home Counties comes on the phone who just happens to have £140,000! to spare to play a game of golf with a D-list dickhead.

Here’s Johnny with…

Children in Need

I’ve been priced right out of children in need
I heard it on the wireless
It’s not for the likes of you and me
In fact they couldn’t care less
About the ordinary Joe with his pound or two
To boost the target figure
They’re just interested in the rich folks who
Will offer something bigger
I’ve ran fun runs dressed up like a clown
And carrying a bucket
But the BBC has let me down
So now I just say fuck it

There’s Wogan and Evans going on
About themselves and their wealthy mates
Thousands for a session with Gok Wan
So why should I donate
No Mr Evans I don’t have the means
To drive in your Ferrari
So I’ll just sit in a bath of beans
While you bathe yourself in glory

One forty K for a round of golf
It’s staggering. It’s crackers
Now there’s not much point in German Rolf
Waxing his chest and knackers
The forty-two pounds from the local brass band
Starts to look a little shabby
When someone else pays thirty grand
To walk round Downton Abbey

The kids on the street have been baking cakes
They’ve been selling them for ages
But what difference will their pittance make
When what for most is three years wages
Is laid down on a whim by Tony from Tring
He’s a hedge fund bloke or a banker
He gets to hear Sir Tom Jones sing
And drink champagne with a wanker

I may be being expedient
But would it do me any good
To claim tax relief on ingredients
For the world’s biggest yorkshire pud

Many of you will see this rant
As laced with spite and envy
And to be honest I don’t understand
What brought about this frenzy
Was I annoyed by Chris Evans
Being in my vicinity
Where others saw benevolence
I could only see obscenity
Perhaps the crowing ginger nut
Put my nose right out of joint
And he’s raised a lot of money but
Have we somehow missed the point
So Britain’s no longer a super power
I think on that we’re agreed
But surely a country as rich as ours
Shouldn’t have children in need

Well it’s been very nice to have this talk
But now I have to leave you
I’m off to do a sponsored walk
Done up like a fucking Emu


Blimey is that the time!


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